Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Snow and samples of sanity


Feckin' weather. This Thursday I'm supposed to be driving from Ayrshire to the East Midlands to ring in the New Year with a couple of my closest friends but right now it's an ordeal just to get to Asda. I am not impressed. I think it's a sign I'm getting old when I throw back the curtains in the morning and survey the winter wonderland. My little darling proclaims "WOO HOO , SNOW !", whilst I just mutter under my breath and when challenged, tell her I was talking about duck's cake.

Quite out of the blue, one of my guys sent me a mini-essay on why he thinks prostitution should never be made illegal by any "cleverly" worded and doomed to fail law, so I'll share it with you here :

"There has been a significant amount of discussion recently in the public domain about the Escort/Sex Industry and in particular the recent proposal to outlaw and criminalise the sex industry in Scotland. Here I would like to add my own thoughts/opinions on this as a happy and satisfied client of escorts.

I will not try and convince people that every aspect of the ‘escort/sex industry’ is perfect and happy in the Garden of Eden. The ‘escort/sex industry’ like any industry is multi-faceted e.g.: financial sector, housing market and has bad parts as well as good parts, as does any industry. One can see the harmful/bad parts of the sex industry, by taking a walk/drive through parts of any large city to see poor woman and other young girls drugged out and often forced against their will to participate in this trade and harassed by numerous deployable men. Making the entire environment unpleasant for everyone living and working in the surrounding area and in turn this does a non-negligible amount of damage to society as a whole. This is clearly a problem and one that should be addressed. However, as stated above the sex industry is multi-faceted and it is important to realise that this is only one part albeit a bad part of a much larger industry. Solving one problem at the expense of the entire industry is no solution at all! Another part of the industry, is worked by intelligent hard-working woman, well aware of exactly what the work involves and are doing it through choice, one only has to talk them and listen to their views to find this out. The recent outing of Belle-de-Jour highlights this point. These women are honest law-abiding people making a valuable contribution to society; I will expand on this point in the following paragraph.

As stated above a vast majority of the women working as escorts make a valuable contribution to society, so let me justify this point, by perhaps first giving a personal perspective on why I use escorts. I personally use escorts because they provide an open honest service, without what might be considered by some additionally emotional baggage, they are private and discreet providing companionship, which is different from what I experience in my professional life and before anyone conjectures sex is not involved for me! Thus in the spirit of a change is as good as a rest, I always feel relaxed and refreshed after meeting with an escort and therefore I am able to work and perform better in my professional life. Often if I’m feeling slightly down, I only have to think of the many happy times I have spent with an escort and a smile soon returns and I’m ready to continue with my work. Therefore I conclude that these professional self-employed women make a valuable contribution to society, albeit indirectly, pay their taxes and support themselves and loved ones without being a burden to society.

If what is perceived to be a solution to one problematic part of the industry is rushed through with out proper consultation we will overnight make a large number of self-employed women unemployed with a corresponding avoidable/unnecessary financial strain on an already strained/stretched social benefits system.

However, if a proper solution is sort with full consultation between all those involved, e.g. law enforcement agencies, professional escorts and their clients, then a complete solution fully thought through can be obtained. To the benefit of all concerned. I will not claim to know what this solution is and to quote: Piet Hein: ‘Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back’, so a solution may not be easy to find, but that does not mean one should not try.

One of course may wish to take a moral stand and say the entire industry is deployable and should be stopped, as these women are selling their bodies! However, in this day and age do we all not sell the skills we have in one form or another. Models sell their looks, singers sell their voices and many people sell their minds. After all what right do any of us have to take away another persons free will, by stopping them making their own choices of what they choose to do, as long as it is not to the detriment of others of course. I for one certainly do not.

So please let everyone concerned sit down and discuss the problem and see what can be achieved, after all two minds are better than one.

In hopefully anticipation.

A satisfied client of professional escorts."


Thank you for your very valuable contribution which is much appreciated. :)

Nite,

LL xx

Monday, 28 December 2009

Drunks and Discounts


Good evening and greetings from Ayrshire where I've arrived back from my Christmas break. I'd like to say I'm refreshed but actually I'm shattered, I had a horrendous journey back through ice and snow with deer bouncing about too, it felt like an endurance test more than a drive which I normally enjoy.

I boarded the boat in Belfast and noticed a very drunk man with a bemused looking Jack Russell on a length of rope making a nuisance of himself at the Ferry Terminal. To my horror, they let him on. As the journey continued he became very aggressive and confrontational to the point where the staff had to ask him to pipe down and sit down. When he started nutting the bar in protest because the staff wouldn't serve him any more alcohol, it became far too much for those of us who weren't drinking because we had long drives ahead of us and were trying to catch forty winks. Suddenly an announcement came " If there is a member of the Police on board, could they please make contact with Guest Services. " Ferking hell, that kind of announcement is usually only heard when someone is in need of medical attention.

Some fifteen minutes passed, followed by another announcement. " Ladies and Gentlemen, due to a disruptive passenger we will have to turn back to Belfast so that the local Police force can remove the passenger in question." I heard that and thought "Eh ?", so I approached the reception desk.

"Err, can't you restrain him like they do on flights ?"

"Not really, we would have to take him back to Belfast anyway. There is a policeman on board but he is off duty and doesn't have the means to restrain him."

I indulged myself in a deep sigh coupled with some quick thinking.

"Ok, I'd rather it wasn't advertised, but I have some handcuffs in my car below deck if you need them."

( I toyed with the idea of telling them about the other wonderful restraints I had in 'that' suitcase in the boot of my car, but decided the time wasn't right or appropriate )

Cue several eyebrows raised so high they could plug the Ozone layer. Hell, I was just trying to help.

In the end, turn back we did and I didn't get to port until 12am and then home on black ice at 2am. Oh joy.

*sigh*

Thanks to everyone who sent me emails about my Sis, she's doing ok, staying positive and has an operation scheduled for the first week in Feb, so only time will tell. :) I'm trying not to dwell on it and buy into her positivity.

Ok, on to the next subject; pricing changes. I have changed my incall rate for one hour to £150, two hours will be £250, three hours £350 and so on. This is in keeping with industry norm and is a reflection of the fact that wherever I am seeing you on an incall basis, it's always a rented property so I need to consider my costs. Before you go off the boil, let me just point out that I have changed the pricing for a dinner date from £450 to £350, so that's 4 hours in total including dinner. Also, for the month of January I am having a "January Sale" ( Gawd, how crass ) on overnight bookings and they will be £550. So it's not all bad. :)

I'll leave you with a conversation I had with my Dad over Christmas.

Dad and I have this game where we try to out - gross each other and to date the score is pretty much 50 : 50.

"So Dad, how's the sex life, anything occurring ?"

"Oh you know, I get by."

"Right, so none then. Why don't you pay for it like everyone else ?"

"That's not even remotely amusing."

It was though.

Nite,

LL xx

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Disability and Desires


Good evening and greetings from home where I'm getting ready for a last very busy period before my Christmas break. I had an outcall tonight which I thoroughly enjoyed once we got over the initial arrangements. My client had left specific instructions that the front door would be open and to lock the door behind me. I was to make my way through to the bedroom where he would be lying on the bed in wait, in his boxer shorts. My fee would be on a side table. After we indulged in an hour's fun and he climaxed twice, he gave me a lovely hug and a smile. The scenario he had described was not part of some bizarre ritual or fantasy, he has Cerebral Palsy.

We had a chat afterwards and he told me that he has encountered many ladies who were unwilling to see him simply due to his disability. I was very saddened to hear that, but he said as far as he's concerned it's their choice. Hmmm, I suppose it is their choice but for me personally, I don't care if a client has two heads provided he is clean and respectful towards me. I suppose it's worth mentioning at this point that my incall premises in Glasgow is fully wheelchair accessible and I am delighted to welcome disabled visitors. I also have experience in moving and lifting disabled people so as my client reminded me tonight, I will update my website to that effect in the next couple of days.

I have also joined this website :

http://www.tlc-trust.org.uk/

The TLC Trust aims to put sex workers in touch with disabled clients and has gone a long way towards dispelling much of the taboo around disability and sexuality. As I said to my guy this evening, disabled people have needs too, and I personally derive a huge amount of pleasure from my client's pleasure, especially when it has taken him so long to find someone willing to look after his needs.

From the TLC website, here is why the role of the escort / sex worker is so vitally important to the disabled person :

1) Blind people visit massage parlours in order to “see” beautiful bodies by massaging them.

2) Many disabled men and women are sexually abused when young, by family members, care workers, health professionals and priests. As a result, they may experience mental anguish and physical pain during sex as adults. Sex workers teach them how to relax and enjoy pain-free sex.

3) Deaf-blind people sometimes need to be taught how to pleasure themselves using physical instruction, and sex workers are brought in to supply this service.

4) Stroke survivors may become isolated whilst being unable to speak, a situation which can last for many years. Sex workers are on call to provide their expertise in non-verbal communication (as discussed at the Different Strokes AGM 2007 www.differentstrokes.co.uk).

5) Spinal injured people who have high levels of paralysis, and cannot touch the parts of their body that still have sensation, are provided with massage and sexual attention to re-learn sexual pleasure and live fulfilled lives. This important branch of specialist sex work is still not recognised by spinal injury units, but operates independently.

6) People with Parkinson's Disease often become very highly sexed and, when they have no outlet, and their arms are too weak to manage to masturbate, live in perpetual frustration. The services of sex workers are essential although may be beyond their financial means. It is inhumane not to offer financial assistance in these cases.

7) Disabled couples who cannot manage to get into the right positions and achieve intercourse are helped by sex workers who act as “enablers”. This only happens in a handful of residential homes, due to objections from other residents, relatives, prudish staff and even members of the governing board who should have their residents' wellbeing as their prime concern.

8) People in residential homes get cheered up when striptease evenings are organised. It is a chance to look at beautiful bodies, appreciated both by the male and female residents who choose to attend the show.

9) People with cerebral palsy who have no control over their limbs may need help to enjoy masturbation and sexual pleasure. This has many important benefits including reducing spasticity when, after the second orgasm, people who normally have no speech can actually talk for a few minutes.

10) When a clinical judgement has been made that someone with learning disabilities does not have the mental capacity to consent to sex, that person is condemned to a life without sexual contact with other people. It has been argued by lawyer John Blandford that if somebody has the ability to express sexual feelings and desires something other than masturbation, then they would have sufficient capacity for a sex worker to be booked. As the current law stands, however, they may even be deprived something as harmless as an anal dildo, which puts them at risk because, without it, they might shove something dangerous into their backside, which could disappear up inside, and/or cause damage.

11) Severely disabled people who cannot invite sex workers into their homes need to visit wheelchair accessible brothels that provide hoists and facilities for them to enjoy sex. It is thus essential that Britain has such a brothel in each city to meet this demand.

12) Sex workers become sexual physiotherapists for people who have had hip replacements, teaching them ways to enjoy sex without pushing the new hip out of joint.

13) Sex workers teach quadriplegics how to cope with autonomic dysreflexia during sexual activities.

14) Young people who are not expected to live very long, such as people with Duchene Muscular Dystrophy often feel that they want to have sex before they die, and sex workers provide such a service. In 2007, a Channel 5 TV programme featured Nick Wallis who persuaded the nuns and nurses in his respite home to organise a sex worker for him, and this was discussed in the Guardian and other media as a “good thing”. www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/jan/15/health.socialcare

15) Sex workers encourage clients to gain the skills and confidence to find loving partners, and do a lot of teaching. Some even specialise in people whose disabilities make it very difficult to socialise and successfully ask someone out, such as people with Aspergers and other neuro-diversity.

16) Because many people with learning disabilities cannot read and forget what they are told, sex workers provide a valuable service teaching them safer sex practices.

17) Many disabled people and people with stammers suffer self-doubt, even self-dislike. They find that a sex worker can help change this around so they begin to accept and even love themselves, which is a positive step towards social acceptance and finding a partner.

18) Sex workers provide expertise to disabled people who have no other way of finding out what sexual pleasures their bodies are capable of.

19) Some sex workers use hypnosis to help disabled people who are stuck with negative sexual values and unsure about their sexuality.

20) Sex workers provide intimate friendship for single dying people. This good work is hindered by the fact that there is no provision for privacy for the service in British hospitals.

21) Sex workers provide experiences for disabled people who are unsure about their sexual orientation and have no other opportunities for experimentation.

22) Sex workers provide disabled people with the chance to try out various sex toys to enable them to find which one is best for them to enjoy sex, without having to waste money in a sex store.

23) Sex workers teach people who use catheters and have ostomies the best way to handle them during sex.

24) Because of limited opportunities, and inappropriate or lack of sex and relationship education, disabled people sometimes remain virgins until late in life and crave the experience of sex. Many are so scared they find it impossible to start a relationship. Sex workers are professionals who will not laugh at them, are experienced at seeing virgins, make sex seem less scary, will teach them expertise, instill confidence and prepare them for finding love.

25) Sex workers provide sexual relief and pleasure for disabled people whose parents/staff don't allow them to socialise or get dressed up, people who are housebound or cannot go out because they are agorophobic. They can also be a lifeline to disabled people living in residential care where the type of relationships they enjoy are forbidden, for example same-sex relationships.

26) Sex workers sometimes provide a service to couples. Perhaps one of them has a disability which prevents them from doing all the things they enjoy. For example, if the husband cannot get an erection, they might hire in a male sex worker so that sometimes their lovemaking can include the presence of an erect penis. Volunteers may also be found through contact magazines, but some couples feel safer with a sex worker.

27) Sex workers are good at teaching disabled people who use AAC (augmentative alternative ways of communication) to gain the confidence and practice at using the right vocabulary to chat people up, flirt and enjoy sexual communication.

28) Sex workers do the invaluable job of helping disabled people over the hurdle of feeling sexy and letting themselves be sexual, when they are normally trapped in an asexual clinical environment.

29) Sex Workers help disabled people with spasticity, dealing with flexor spasms and help them find positions that suit them and even use spasms during sexual activity.

30) Sex workers provide disabled fetishists with the physical help they need to enjoy their fetishes when they cannot manage on their own.

31) Sex workers provide a sexual service for people who are suffering from fatigue due to their disability, be it ME or MS, or whatever. They are paid to make “all the moves and do all the work” which is not usually considered acceptable in relationships where money is not involved.

32) Some sex workers specialise in coaching disabled people in dating skills and finding the right partner. This usually involves a “girlfriend or boyfriend experience” repeated over several sessions.

33) Sex workers can help people who experience chronic pain, such as people with arthritis and other connective tissue diseases, and more specifically those with carpal tunnel syndrome who get shooting pains when trying to masturbate, so that they can overcome the pain and enjoy sexual fulfillment.

34) Sex workers are there for parents who want their adult sons and daughters to learn about sex in a safe environment and provide a reliable service. This is especially true with sons and daughters who have learning disabilities and only meet others their age with learning disabilities, and they worry that they will be abused or catch sexually transmitted diseases through ignorance or forgetfulness.

35) Sex workers provide choice for disabled people so they are not patronised by the state interfering with their personal freedoms. The fact that sex workers are prepared to take risks for the personal happiness of disabled people is to be commended. Pye Jakobsson who currently sells sexual services in Sweden (where the purchase of sex is illegal and consequently sex workers work in danger) says that her disabled clients are her best clients: they even sent her cheques when Pye was too ill to work, to help her pay the rent.

36) Sex workers cheer people up – producing endorphines during sex so that people feel less depressed. Tantric sex workers train to ensure that clients (and they too) do not feel empty or sad after the sex session has ended.

37) Sex workers help people find ways of coping with cognitive issues that impede their connection to their sexuality.

38) Sex workers help people with MS and Spina Bifida find alternative routes to orgasm, when the usual routes are blocked by their impairments.

39) Sex workers work with therapists to help disabled people deal with psychological and physical problems. This is sometimes call sexual surrogacy.

40) Sex workers help disabled people live out the fantasy of being beautiful and sexy and desirable, momentarily escaping the social stigma of their disability, and learning how to project a positive image to the rest of society.

41) Escorts provide status to disabled people when out socialising, so that other people see them as sexually desirable, raising their potential to find a loving partner.

42) Sex workers can provide one of the most important human basic needs: touch. Many nerve endings in our skin crave to be stroked, caressed and held. Touch deprivation is torture, like any other sensory deprivation. Moreover, the right kind of touch helps people overcome negative feelings that have come from abusive touch. Sexual touching is essential to mental health. Through the TLC website and the Sex and Disability Helpline, in early 2008, British sex workers rescued a blind man living in the Midlands who, at the age of 72, had never ever even had a cuddle.

43) In the modern-day world where so-called physical perfection is seen as the gateway to success, both in the workplace and socially, sex workers provide refuge for those who do not fit into this ideal. Their very acceptance of people with disabilities is a nirvana, their warmth and friendliness a lifeline and the only reason why their praises cannot be sung more widely is that many disabled people, living in poverty, cannot afford to hire them.

44) Many disabled people, especially men, find that staff and health professionals actively discourage them from starting relationships, manipulating the situation so that new friendships and potential relationships fail. So it is very refreshing and comforting to be in the company of a sex worker who is not working against them.

45) Many people with severe disabilities go through life with no personal privacy. From childhood, when parents open letters and parcels for them, through school and college, every detail of their life is shared with others. So it is extremely special to visit a sex worker who will keep everything that happens between them totally confidential.

46) Married people and those who are in a relationship and become disabled often find that the balance of their relationship is upset and the relationship ends. The disabled person is left feeling “on the scrap heap”, rejected and without hope. Sex workers are there to rescue such people, teach them to live to their full potential, and set them on the road to self acceptance and the road to finding a new partner.

47) Sex workers help raise the self-esteem of people who are disfigured and disabled, and provide a much needed sexual service. Indeed, members of the French Foreign Legion were permitted to visit brothels on the understanding that it's good for morale and relieves stress.

48) It would be a sad injustice if service personnel such as soldiers badly wounded and disfigured in Iraq and Afganistan were banned from the help they can receive from sex workers.

49) In different cultures, disability brings shame to the family, and many disabled people believe they must have been bad in a past life. Such people may well be embarrassed about their disabled bodies. Most sex workers are well aware of this shame, and work hard to help the disabled person shed their shame and overcome the embarrassment.

50) Finally, but very importantly, may disabled women are fed up with partners who are rough and/or unskilled, or treat them like trash. They dream of paying for sex so that they can be in “expert hands”. Many such women are put off because it is actually very difficult to find a male sex worker – the Internet featuring agencies charging men high prices to join (with no hope of a client), amateurs offering their services and a high degree of charlatanism. This is a direct result of the trade being quasi-legal and unregulated. Most women only feel safe when a personal recommendation is made but there are few “experts” to make such recommendations, and being paid to do so would be illegal.


Speaking of disablements, I was reading Dollymopp's blog earlier on and she is in severe pain with a condition that looks like it may hinder her work and certainly her day to day life. Huge amounts of love and hugs to you Dolly. xxx

Tomorrow I'm off to Inverness and from there I'm joining my slave for the weekend. After that I will be on holidays for a week as I am going home to join my family for Christmas. Speak to you from Inverness.

LL xx

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Aberdeen, Articles and Assumptions


Good evening and greetings fae Aberdeen. I found this amazing article from 2007 today written by Howard Jacobson :


"The sexual instinct is a hydra-headed beast. It would be wrong of me to deny the violence which attaches to prostitution but there's more than one way of being in denial, and those who see only oppressive exploitation in the transaction between prostitute and client also fail to honour the complexities of sex. Some men might go to prostitutes to "use" them, but not all do. The exchange of money is freighted with meaning, and part of what it entails is the man's desire to hold himself cheap, to put himself at the pleading end of the power exchange, to abnegate his masculinity. Without doubt some men go to prostitutes to do them harm; but some go to harm themselves. Others, of course, go because they're desperate, and if paying money is the only way they'll find erotic company for a night, an hour, or just five minutes, then they'll pay it. And some simply go because they can, because they've nothing else to do, because they're bored and feeling hot, want nothing other than an uncomplicated good time, and intend no evil or disrespect by it.

That a prostitute might occasionally be touched by a man's shyness, or made curious by his need to hurt himself, or softened by his loneliness, or just amused by his idle pleasure-seeking – that she might, without being a fictionalised tart with a heart, find something for herself in any of these conditions – does not seem to me impossible. If you don't accept that – if you won't have it that a man can have any motive for visiting a prostitute other than the exercise of brute power – then yours is as vile a view of human nature as the pimp's or pusher's. And if you can't imagine the prostitute being humane enough, sometimes, to be intrigued, softened, engaged or even aroused, then yours is the low view of woman."


What a fantastic statement and it made me smile to see that someone, somewhere gets it. The tart with a heart is not a myth, I have met many women in my time who are beautiful inside and out. In my former home town I found it ironic to stand in a queue in a shop one day and overhear a conversation ; " Did you hear about so and so ? A hooker !! And I always thought she was such a lovely girl."

ARRRGHHH !!

I am and will always be, a lovely girl. I am not defined by my chosen profession, rather my chosen profession is an extension of the hidden and fun loving whore I always knew was lurking beneath.

Overall it's been a great week for me, I had a ball in Edinburgh last week and hooked up with some friends for dinner too. Rachel Rossi, Manchester Amber and Crista were all in Edinburgh too so we had a right laugh. For as long as I live I will have fond memories of Crista and I standing outside our 5 star hotel amusing passers by with our "When Harry met Sally" impressions. Pair of nutters.

This week in the news I was aghast to see that Glasgow City Council are calling for the purchase of sex to be made illegal.

West Renfrewshire Labour MSP Trish Godman said she planned to propose changes to planned and existing legislation at Holyrood in the coming weeks.

She said: "We believe these amendments present a simple but devastatingly effective means of challenging demand for prostitution.

"Introducing these amendments as law would ensure that anyone involved in the purchase, marketing or facilitation of sexual services would be criminalised whether these acts took place on the street or indoors.

"Every shred of evidence indicates that prostitution is inherently harmful. It is incredible that something which so clearly breaches an individual's right to dignity, equality, respect and physical and mental well-being has gone unhindered for so long."


Err, what about my right to make a living and support my family ? What about my right to privacy when I do what I do behind closed doors between consenting adults ?
Is it better for my "mental well-being" to fund my degree by claiming benefits ?

Turning back to Glasgow City Council for a moment, if you look at their website which is http://www.endprostitutionnow.org/, you come across this "job description";

"HELP WANTED: Women and girls do you want this job?

Are you tried of mindless, low skilled, low-paying jobs? Would you like a career with flexible hours? Working with people? Offering a professional service?

• No experience required! No qualifications needed. No minimum age requirement. On the job training provided.

• Special opportunities for poor women – exotic looking women - single mothers – women of colour

• Women and girls applying for this position will provide the following services:

• Being penetrated orally, anally and vaginally with penises, fingers, fists and objects, including but not limited to bottles, brushes, dildos, guns and/or animals;

•Being bound and gagged, tied with ropes and/or chains, burned with cigarettes, or hung from beams or trees."


How offensive. To me that deems us women of limited intellect who have little or no control over what happens to our bodies. I would suggest that I have more control over my body than the ladies who go out on a Friday night and get absolutely smashed, before going home and sleeping with some reprobate they found in a club.

No-one is going to deny that trafficking happens in Scotland, I know it happens. I also know that banning the purchase of sex will drive the industry underground and it will become nigh on impossible to reach those women who so desperately need our help. If we didn't have street workers in Glasgow and they were in legalised brothels then the violence towards them would deplete and the outreach services would have a far easier job in contacting them.

As an aside, how exactly are they going to make it an offence to purchase sex in Scotland when Edinburgh City Council make the money they do from the "Annual Entertainments Licence Fee" that they charge the local saunas ? Either they give up their lucrative income or they oppose the proposed legislative changes. Hmmm, it's a close call. ;)

Oh well, as I said earlier on Twitter this week, I'll try to remember how downtrodden I am when I have my slave bitch handcuffed to the bed and am flogging his ass.

Nite,

LL xx

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Glasgow, Gimps and Gumtree


Good evening, and greetings from a hotel room in Dundee. First of all let me share the happy news with you, I can now offer Glasgow incalls. I have the use of a beautiful apartment just off Argyll Street and I'm thrilled to bits. Now for the bad news. I need four hours notice. This is because I need to organise things my end and also to ensure I look drop dead gawjus to see you. So, if you're Glasgow based and fed up with presentations on projected performance for the coming quarter, you know what to do. Similarly, if you're visiting Glasgow and need a break from the standard "entertainment" provided by your Glasgow based colleagues, you know where I am, just make sure you email in advance.

Anyway, guess who got in touch ? Yes, my slave bitch. I've not heard from him for so long. He has booked a weekend of torture in December and I am looking forward to it so much. He will cook me dinner, take me shopping, make sure my every need is attended to and in turn I will handcuff him to the bathroom sink and just leave him there. A fair exchange, I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, I'm in kinda a playful mood tonight so I was perusing the "casual relationships" section of Glasgow Gumtree this evening. I came across this little belter :

"Glasgow guy seeking sexual adventure with willing female participant. Must have all ten fingers and eyebrows. I have high standards.

Would also like to travel as my place is shit. I live in the town underneath a couple who batter each other and above a violin teacher. The blend of Mozart over domestic warfare is ideal shaggin atmosphere if you're a complete psycho. Seriously though you can come to my place.

Sex for me involves fumbling around for a while before 'sticking it in' but if you're nice then I'll throw in some massages or spanking or whatever else you're into. No playing with jobbie on a stick though, it's just no my thing.

Not really fussy but huge tits would be a nice bonus as would a sense of humour.

Again I'm 26, tall and slim and really really good looking with an enormous cock. Did I mention that already?

Lookin forward to all 3 replies.

xx

P.S No Gypsies."


So, I've decided to email this gent back and see what happens.

"Dear Glasgow Guy,

You have no idea how relieved I was to read your ad and discover that another human being is going through the hell that I endure on a daily basis. You should count yourself lucky with your warring couple, I myself have a group of Emos living downstairs who delight in listening to heavy metal and moshing. Quite why anyone would derive pleasure from hurling themselves against each other, much less clashing heads is anyone's guess. I for one believe in freedom of expression, but when it puts me off my climatic stroke with my rampant rabbit, it becomes problematic.

Anyway, I've jumped ahead of myself, my name is Laura and I'm a Catholic. Please don't delete the email at this point. I would love to meet you but it simply means that we would need to have a short marriage ceremony beforehand. Don't panic, you can always divorce me afterwards on the grounds on unreasonable behaviour, and I have it on the best authority that "unreasonable" is an understatement.

The only concern I have is your stipulation at the end of your ad that you would prefer "No gypsies". Let me say from the outset, my heritage has never been in question to me, but according to my cousin Assumpta Immaculata my Great Grand Mother's nephew's hamster was a tinker. I don't know why I'm even bringing this up, Assumpta has a nerve, the last time that girl wore knickers was during the great blizzard of 1982, and even then, legend has it that the only reason they remained intact was because she hadn't had a bath in 6 weeks and it took 4 units of Highlands and Islands Fire Brigade to get them off. ( Unusual for her, but there you are. )

So, email me back and let's see how we get on. For the record, I bathe at least once a week, and I've bought some leopard print knickers in Primark, specially like.

Laura xx

I shall of course let you know how I get on. ;)